Archive for November, 2012

Why ask when I don’t really care…

I learn a lot from friends who grew up fatherless.  It’s sad I know so many.  I just heard one give their mom kudos for not ever asking what was said on the telephone calls they had with their father.  I have to say, I sometimes ask.  I don’t know why because I don’t care but I ask.  I’m curious sometimes to find out what makes what he has now makes him so much happier.  But, no matter the answer, it’s not going to change me or us so, thanks to my friend I will not ask anymore.
But, before I read his post, I confess that I did ask my oldest boy what his dad was doing for Thanksgiving.  One reason was I didn’t want to be surprised if he showed up at his parents house and the other was curiosity.  No longer will I be curious.  Thanks for the reminder of one more way I can make my boys lives easier through this.  I never thought a question like that would put them in the middle.  I love them too much for that.

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Thanksgiving. the first holiday without him

There had been talk about what we were going to do for the holidays.  I didn’t think too much about it.  I figured, we’d do what we always did… the inlaws in the late morning and my family late afternoon.  But, because so many people kept asking, I thought I’d check with the boys.  They were with me.  Why break tradition?  Why have his parents hurt more than they already do?  They can’t help the decisions that were made.   It’s normal for me to be at the inlaws.  I never stopped visiting and never stopped talking to them.  Immediately after it happened, I talked to them and made sure they still wanted me to be in their life.  I made sure I could still call them my inlaws.  Made sure they wanted to be in our life.  I did not want to assume anything else!  There was never any question about it.  They told me, without hesitation, that I would always be welcome there.  In fact, my MIL told me anyone I dated would be welcome in their home as well.  She added that Jeff would always be welcome too but “she” would never be allowed in the house.
So that morning, we took Garrett’s friend home from the sleepover and made our way to nana and pawpaws.  I didn’t think about all the other relatives that may be uncomfortable with the whole situation.  I didn’t think about how they may still be in shock that their family member left his family for another.  I didn’t think about it, that is, till I walked in the door.  I was greeted warmly, as were the boys but I could see the looks on their faces.  I could see they were feeling sorry for me and they didn’t know what to say.  I got hugs (I hate hugs) and I returned hugs as best as I could.  We talked, we ate, we laughed and, once they saw that I was okay, things were normal.   That is, until I took the dishes in and started filling the dishwasher.  His mom came in to keep me company and she mentioned how his dad called him this morning to wish him a happy thanksgiving but Jeff didn’t answer.  How the dad left on the machine how Thanksgiving wouldn’t be the same without him.  It hurts to hear them tell me these things.  I feel terrible for them but there is not one thing I can do to help them.  I don’t hurt.  I told her, it’s easier for me not to miss him because I just think of what he has said to me.  I didn’t add the details but  I simply remember the words he said when we were sitting on the couch and then everything he said the days following.  I think of how he blamed his drinking on me by calling it “self medicating” like living with a family who showed him unconditional love and never asked anything in return was so terrible.  I remember how he says he’s on depression/anxiety pills since he left due to the fact that I cause him so much anxiety even though I don’t even talk to him; all communication is via texts or email.  I remember the lies he told after he left and wonder how long he lied to me.  And, mostly, I think of him out on dates with a woman when the boys and I were waiting at home for him.  Suddenly, I’m no longer missing him.  But, his parents don’t have that.  Sure, they have the night he told them he was leaving me and the boys for someone else and they have the experience of their oldest son not speaking to them or coming over to their house anymore.  But, he’s their son.  They miss him.  They’re waiting on him to make the first move and he’s not doing it.  Their hearts are broken as they wonder what they did wrong.  But they’re also ready to forgive… but they can’t till he’s ready to talk… so, Thanksgiving was tough on them.

Then we went to my mom and dads.  My family is used to it already.  They’ve been to a couple of birthdays of my boys without Jeff.  They know Jeff took a lateral move, by choice, to VA.  They know he calls, he goes to some of the boys games and that he sees them a few hours a month.  But my uncle doesn’t.  He worries about me.  Before he left he tried talking to me.  Connor was right by my side.  Connor heard Uncle Charles call me “poor Janet”  and more.  He heard that people were concerned with how we are doing.  But, he also heard me answer that despite what happened, we were fine.   I hope he believes it like I believe it.   And, I hope he knows I understand that he misses his dad.  Everyone should have a dad who spends time with him.  Luckily, my boys have some friends with some great dads.  I hate to put responsibility on them but good dads have it hard, they are the role models for all young boys out there.  And I’m so thankful for them!

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30 weeks after the worst day of my life

Tomorrow is 30 weeks since the love of my life surprised me with the news he met someone and he was leaving our family for her.  30 weeks since my heart broke into a million pieces.   30 weeks since my life changed forever.  30 weeks since my babies let out their cries.  I will NEVER forget that day.  He went shopping that morning to get new clothes, we had a basketball game to go to that afternoon.  When he came back all was fine.  Our life wasn’t perfect.  Communication was off but that had happened before in our 17 years together and we always managed to get back on track.  So when he got home, I invited him back to bed with me.  He said he had to do something first.  I didn’t think anything of it, although I should have.  It’s funny how you let go of little things when you have total trust in a person.  When I went into the living room, he was sitting on the couch looking out the window.  I went over, sat with him and told him “I know something is wrong”.  I figured it was work.  He said, “what” like I’d know what it was.  I answered, “that’s what you have to tell me”.  Still, I thought it was work.  Boy was I wrong.  He looked at me, paused, and said, “I met someone” and went on…  They instantly clicked.  She’s divorcing for him.  She has 1 kid.  I didn’t say a word.  I could not speak.  My head was trying to comprehend, my heart was trying to hold on…  finally I said I wasn’t letting him leave without a fight.  That was the end of the conversation.  At 4 we all went to the basketball game.  You never know what pain someone is carrying as they try to lead a normal life.  The boys did not know.  At 530ish, we were home and I encouraged him to talk to his best friend, Patrick.  As he was calling Patrick to meet, I called Patricks wife, Michelle, begging her to please make Patrick available.  I knew he would talk some sense into Jeff.
But, I was wrong.  Jeff came home at 8:04 and said he didn’t want to prolong it.  He said he’s leaving.  He’s been wanting to for a while.   He confirmed the first conversation and said the met two months ago.  there was no sex and they’ve gone out a couple of times.  He repeated he’s been wanting out for a while.  When I said all he ever told me was that I was heavy he said nothing.  he gave no other reasons.  Even after I said, “you’ve already hurt me so you might as well hurt me more and tell me everything”.   His answer, “I don’t mean to hurt you.”  His plan is to have an apartment for a year, then move in with her and the 16 year old boy.   When I mentioned he didn’t want any more kids he said, “It will just be for a year”.  That’s when I started seeing who my husband really was.  What an awful statement!

He went to stay with his parents but his brother and wife were still staying there while their house gets ready.   His mom called.  Evan told her he was over there.  Evan hung up and said, “weird”.  I have no doubt Evan didn’t think too long about the call because, like me, he had total trust.    I, on the other hand knew, so I texted Jeff to come home.  I was thinking of the money.  He said he already checked into a hotel.   I texted and called my best pal, Lori, FB Michelle H from high school and texted Michele and Patrick.  I emailed my principal about my job and I stepped down from TMS PTA.  I cancelled my pedicure appt and my haircut.  I didn’t want to do anything.

Luckily, I think faster than I give myself credit for because the very next day I emailed Joanie, my lawyer.  I continued to ponder the best time to tell the boys and every now and again I slept.

I’m a lot further along since that day but today I cry yet again because two of my boys are going to have a sleep over at Jeff’s new apartment… with the people Jeff left us for.  So much for the plan of waiting a year.   My youngest doesn’t want to go.  He’s staying here.  He’s only 9.  I have to wonder if he will ever remember a time when our family lived together.  A time when his father was a part of his life.  Because, as I think about things, Jeff hasn’t been part of our family for awhile.  But that is a whole other story.

Am I allowed to hate him?

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